“I don’t think all writers are sad. I think it’s the other way around – all sad people write.” – Lang Leav, Sad Girls
I could feel Lisa’s eyes on me as I said the words. But she kept silent. I knew I had to drive it in.
“It’s just not working out…”
Still she was silent.
I prompted. It was redundant, but it was something that made the silence more bearable. I looked at her when I said those words and this time, Lisa avoided my eyes.
“I won’t bullshit about how you’re perfect and I’m to blame for everything, but I’m not lying when I say it’s partly my fault.”
I wanted to make it clear that she’s not entirely to blame for how I feel. Lisa was alluring… in her own way.
“It’s just a bad phase for me now. I’m financially broke. I can’t even afford to feed myself. All our dates are eating into my savings…”
“So?” Lisa interrupted me for the first time.
I blinked, taken aback by the bluntness in her voice. The facts were there as plain as day. I was broke and could not afford nor promise her anything. I was a man without a future. But I may just have been as much of a coward that day. I could’ve made a better choice now that I think about it. But that was many months to come before I realized.
“You know I would never make you pay if possible. But it’s really taking a toll here.”
“It’s fine! We could split the bill… Once I get my pay I could chip in…”
Lisa trailed off. We both knew they were just excuses, to salvage the relationship on her part. But I understood that she had to try, to mend the cracks that were breaking the relationship apart. I waited for her to finish.
“I know you could, and you would do all those things. But you know I would never have accepted it.”
“Why not?” Lisa challenged.
I looked straight into her eyes.
“You know why” I replied, in a measured but firm voice.
Lisa looked away and gazed up in frustration. She was probably searching for solace among the stars in the night sky. A pity the rooftop of the staircase landing was in her way. She was silent again.
“Also, I don’t think it’s working out because I don’t see a future with you in it.”
That was a cruel point I had to drive across. Among the time we had been together, I never once thought of her as something more. For such uncertain future as mine, what right do I have? To bind someone with such a passionate soul. I was showering affections without responsibilities. Dating for the sake of loneliness.
“Lisa?” I urged her.
I had to know how she was taking all of this.
“Do you have anything..”
“I just think it’s a waste, to give our relationship a conclusion, you know… just after such a short period of time…” Lisa whispered. Her voice cracking slightly.
“I know. Trust me I really tried… I was planning to give it until the end of the month.”
“Then why now?” Lisa asked as she turned to face me.
Her eyes were starting to get teary.
“I hate this!” Lisa said out loud, more to herself than me as she started to wipe her tears with the back of her hands.
“If I dated you without a glimpse of future in mind, we’ll just be wasting each other’s time. Isn’t it?”
I reasoned gently.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get all teary. It’s just that all this…” Lisa trailed off a second time. She looked so miserable.
I wanted to hug her so badly. To embrace her and provide comfort for the last time.
But I’m glad I didn’t, for now, she’s in the arms of another who is so much more deserving of her love and reciprocates her affections like the fruits bared from a tree to a farmer.
Click here for Part One if you haven’t already read it yet.
© 2018 Xavier Lee – All Rights Reserved / Featured Image Photographer: Jurban